Town in Nebaska Looks Forward to First Fatal Stabbing

Herman Nebraska - In order to qualify for the current economic stimulus package residents of Herman Nebraska (pop. 301) will need to have had at least one violent murder in the years 2007, 2008, or 2009. As part of the Crime Prevention section of the new stimulus bill, congress will give cities $1 million for each murder during the past three years. While larger cities like L.A. will receive around $1.2 billion, small towns like Herman are left in the dust.

The last murder in Herman was committed by Ferris the beaver on March 15th, 2007. Ferris became aggressive after Marvin Jenkins, local football fan, attempted to swallow Ferris' tale during a drunken bet. Although the mauling had a profound effect on the small town, it does not qualify for the stimulus package since Ferris is not a sentient being.

Mayor Clyde Jenkins, uncle of Marvin and owner of Ferris, was disappointed by the sentience qualification and is quoted as saying, "We are going to make this right! We will have some of that stimulus if I have to kill someone myself!"

Sheriff Moss Jenkins, illegitimate son of Mayor Clyde Jenkins, has made assurances that the Mayor will not need to commit the murder. Sources have told him that there is a good chance that Thadeus Jenkins, brother of the late Marvin, will fatally stab someone any day now. Thadeus lives in a cliche run down shack on the outskirts of town and has been seen lurking in the shadows recently. Although Thadeus currently does not have a knife or similar such implement, the Sheriff has promised that Thadeus will be provided with one soon.